by Julia Fernandez
It’s really bad when you feel your whole life is so horrible that you want it to be over. I know because I have been there.
When I was in middle high school, I never felt like I fit in. Being an outcast was an understatement. I’m that little girl in the back of the class who everyone likes to throw paper at. I was the girl who people on “the A list” always teased because I wasn’t good enough. And I hated the feeling of being rejected.
After years and years of being teased, tormented and told that I’d never amount to anything, I completely feared school and people. I cried every night before I went to sleep because I had it stuck in my head that I was ugly and dumb. I thought I was a zero, and that’s all I would ever be.
Things got so bad for me that I didn’t want to live. I thought about suicide 24/7, even at a young age. It was just a thought at first, but then it became a solution. I figured I’d never have to cry myself to sleep again and I’d never be put down again.
So I started experimenting with different ways I thought I might be able to kill myself. One night, I almost had to be hospitalized, but I survived. There was always some feeling that kept me from going through with it. I knew deep inside that I wanted to change my life, but I was so depressed. And for a long time, I didn’t know how to change.
I did know it would take something or someone pretty powerful to make my life different. It would have to be someone like…like God. I did not have a relationship with God, and I doubted He or anyone else could help me, but I gave Him a chance. My “chance” quickly became my answer!
Going to God – instead of a gun or a bottle of pills – to solve my problems was the start of a brand new life for me. A life without pain and a life with everlasting love. I talked to God every night and asked Him to help me. I told Him how I felt deep inside. By reading His word in the Bible and by going to church, I learned that God loves me for who I am, no matter what other people had said about me.
God helped me see my life was worth something because He sent His only son Jesus to Earth to save my life. Jesus died so we could be forgiven for the mistakes we make, and this taught me that I also needed to forgive the people who had hurt me. Forgiveness didn’t come easily, but it was the best way to rid the pain.
Those kids just didn’t understand. And instead of hating them, I learned to pity them. I know now that I am not a zero in God’s eyes. He loves me no matter what I wear or whom I hang out with. He loves me just for being me. I feel great about the situation I’m in now. It has only left me wondering why would someone who is so great love someone who is so little? But that’s just what’s amazing about God.
